Since Daddy left for Basic Military Training in the middle of January, our family has been slowly circling around what I guess you could call a "new normal." At first I was able to take the kids to the Y a few days a week, so they could play in the childcare and I could lift weights and run and get some time away; first general homestead business from the sow giving birth, and then Coronavirus, put a stop to that. We've been limited to shopping trips and home for a few weeks now, and will be for the foreseeable future. And as the sole parent present in a house of 4 kids, everybody is always under my sole supervision. This can become very suffocating, as I'm sure many parents are now beginning to understand!
So what do I hope will be the function of this post? I'm seeing a lot of memes. Some of them are expressing doubt about being able to deal with their kids until the middle of April; some are encouraging parents to view themselves as glorified babysitters and be happy if the kids are alive at the end of the day; some are optimistically setting forth a planned daily schedule (those are becoming less common this week haha). What I'm here to tell you is this: if you can set a routine that works for you and your family; enforce some basic, well chosen ground rules; and maintain high standards for yourself and your kids, you can get through this with a good family relationship--probably even better than it was before the lockdown started!
In addition, make sure you include time for getting outdoors. Even if all you can access is a walk up and down your street, try to do it every day, no matter the weather. Invest in some rain gear if you don't have any already; your lungs and digestive, circulatory and immune systems will thank you (remember, lymph is moved through the body by muscle movements). While you're out, just make sure to practice social distancing from others who have the same idea. If at all possible try to get to a city or county park once a week; using playground equipment is unwise (unless you want to disinfect it all first), but it will be a change of scenery for you and the kids to get out and walk in a new place. You can even identify birds and insects as spring moves into your area, making your trip a science experience!
This is an expansion of the above, but very important. All the kids have their own ways of intruding on each others' space, whether mentally or physically. In Tea's case that usually means attempting to run everyone's lives for them; in Bean's case he has to control his rowdiness. Kensie is at that "repetitive annoying noises" stage and Dillium's main sin is long crying jags when something doesn't go her way. I'm working on helping each of them understand that they play a large role in the happiness of everyone in the house, and giving them ways to stop damaging everybody's calm. I also include myself in this, because if I lose my mind, none of this is going to end well; I try to recognize my low patience supply before it becomes dangerous and tell Tea to stop asking questions or Kensie she needs to go make that noise somewhere else, please, thank you.
This lockdown is something our society has never seen. In some ways we're almost as isolated as the pioneers of early America, confined with just our families for long periods of time--just without the ready access to the peace and quiet of the unsettled frontier! At least we still have internet and toilets and food that isn't hardtack. But it's always encouraging to me when I think of the centuries of history in which people lived and worked alongside their kids all day, every day, and the responsibility and maturity that such a lifestyle can instill if every person in the family is committed to their role in ensuring the family's survival. I really hope that in the end you can look back at this time of family togetherness (haha) and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride instead of hoping to never have to have your kids home for a week at a time ever again.
So what do I hope will be the function of this post? I'm seeing a lot of memes. Some of them are expressing doubt about being able to deal with their kids until the middle of April; some are encouraging parents to view themselves as glorified babysitters and be happy if the kids are alive at the end of the day; some are optimistically setting forth a planned daily schedule (those are becoming less common this week haha). What I'm here to tell you is this: if you can set a routine that works for you and your family; enforce some basic, well chosen ground rules; and maintain high standards for yourself and your kids, you can get through this with a good family relationship--probably even better than it was before the lockdown started!
Set a Schedule
I'm not really referring to those colorful pages with blocks of time for "Academics," "Screen Time" and "Exercise" that a lot of parents posted on their Facebooks last week when it became clear that schools were going to shut down. However, a certain amount of structure is essential for kids of all ages. If we treat this like an extended spring break with cartoons until noon, sugar cereal two or more meals a day, and unbridled snacking to keep everyone's mouths full in between, we will indeed be unable to stand our kids by mid-April. They'll be overstimulated, poorly nourished, with unstable blood sugar levels and lungs full of dry, stale indoor air. So please, for everyone's sake, create some structure! Start getting everyone used to eating healthy breakfasts like eggs or oatmeal; limit snacks to specific times, and try to make the majority of them as healthy as possible; work on your home cooking of meat and vegetables, and don't forget to use the bones for broth--a great anti-inflammatory immune booster for these times of illness! (You can sneak broth into almost any food, including oatmeal!)In addition, make sure you include time for getting outdoors. Even if all you can access is a walk up and down your street, try to do it every day, no matter the weather. Invest in some rain gear if you don't have any already; your lungs and digestive, circulatory and immune systems will thank you (remember, lymph is moved through the body by muscle movements). While you're out, just make sure to practice social distancing from others who have the same idea. If at all possible try to get to a city or county park once a week; using playground equipment is unwise (unless you want to disinfect it all first), but it will be a change of scenery for you and the kids to get out and walk in a new place. You can even identify birds and insects as spring moves into your area, making your trip a science experience!
Set and Enforce Ground Rules
I have a couple of types of rules. Some are geared toward everyone's sanity, and some are geared toward productivity. I think all contribute to the ability of our family to maintain a close relationship devoid of murder. Here's what we do!No Nagging!
This is a rule on which it pays to lead by example. I pride myself on not being a nagger. I don't nag my husband, and I don't nag my kids. If I ask them to do something and they don't, I enforce consequences. This way I don't spend hours each day making unpleasant sounds that no one wants to listen to. And then, when one of the kids (hint--it's almost always Tea) starts nagging her siblings, I have a leg to stand on when I say, "Don't do that." Because as important as it is for the kids to not drive me nuts, it's equally important that they not be driving each crazy. We all have to live together and be on the same team, and a major part of that is being able to know when to quit and just leave somebody alone.Giving Space
This is an expansion of the above, but very important. All the kids have their own ways of intruding on each others' space, whether mentally or physically. In Tea's case that usually means attempting to run everyone's lives for them; in Bean's case he has to control his rowdiness. Kensie is at that "repetitive annoying noises" stage and Dillium's main sin is long crying jags when something doesn't go her way. I'm working on helping each of them understand that they play a large role in the happiness of everyone in the house, and giving them ways to stop damaging everybody's calm. I also include myself in this, because if I lose my mind, none of this is going to end well; I try to recognize my low patience supply before it becomes dangerous and tell Tea to stop asking questions or Kensie she needs to go make that noise somewhere else, please, thank you.
Nobody Has to Play With You
I don't make my kids play together. I believe being forced to play with someone you don't want to play with is incredibly unfair and only leads to resentment. I equip the kids to negotiate with each other for toys and I don't let them be nasty, but I also don't let one kid follow another around pestering them to play; I want them to be fully capable of entertaining themselves alone, and also to be aware that nobody has to be their friend and if they want a playmate they'll have to find a way to be a good playmate themselves. This gets easier as the weather gets warmer and the kids can spend more and more time outside, but I hold the line even in the winter because I think it's important to the kids' long-term autonomy and mental health. The brief period of hurt feelings in the one who doesn't want to play alone is rewarded by their discovery of their ability to find their own fun, and quite possibly the lessons they can learn about cooperation leading to increased opportunities to play together down the road.
Focus on Success
Guys, you may not think so now, but there are going to be failures. Your kids are going to make mistakes and so are you. There will be days that are totally wasted and days when everyone in your house seems to absolutely loathe one another. There will be days when you lose your cool and days when you're too stressed to maintain a schedule and end up just letting the kids watch cartoons all day after all. I'm here to tell you--regret and guilt do nothing for you. My mantra has been, "There's always tomorrow." Instead of beating yourself up, try to pinpoint a mistake or two you can correct. Maybe the day got started wrong with snappishness or criticism; maybe you recognize in retrospect that the kids ended up with too much sugar, which contributed to the unfocused wall-climbing that drove you crazy for three long hours. Don't be critical of your kids or yourself. This doesn't mean you can't correct your kids, and I highly recommend honestly apologizing when you realize you've made mistakes. But be constructive in both cases.High Personal Standards
I know the conventional wisdom today is to all give ourselves a break. I just can't subscribe to that anymore. I know when I'm being lazy, when I'm letting things slide, when I'm not being my best; and I know that when I step up my game and push myself is when I have the best self esteem and overall happiness. This applies to motherhood as much as to anything else. So I try not to use crutches unless I absolutely have to. For about the first month after Dad left for BMT, I didn't use videos to occupy the kids at all. I knew that if I did I would be using them as a crutch, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do without them. I also wanted to establish firmly in the kids' minds that videos were a privilege, not a right. When I do let the kids watch videos now, it's for a limited time, and it's always an earned reward--for performing well in a less favored school subject, or working to clean up the house, or some other task that nobody wants to do. If your kids like movies as much as mine do, don't just let them watch things; make them earn it! A movie could be a reward for good behavior, payment for a chore, or just something that doesn't happen until school work is totally done. Same for video games and other screen time; make them earn that! Even a 2 year old can understand the concept of "No Paw Patrol until you help mommy pick up the livingroom!" This may require a transitional period of temper tantrums if your kids are accustomed to just plunking in front of the TV at will, but I guarantee your house will be more peaceful and productive in the long run.This lockdown is something our society has never seen. In some ways we're almost as isolated as the pioneers of early America, confined with just our families for long periods of time--just without the ready access to the peace and quiet of the unsettled frontier! At least we still have internet and toilets and food that isn't hardtack. But it's always encouraging to me when I think of the centuries of history in which people lived and worked alongside their kids all day, every day, and the responsibility and maturity that such a lifestyle can instill if every person in the family is committed to their role in ensuring the family's survival. I really hope that in the end you can look back at this time of family togetherness (haha) and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride instead of hoping to never have to have your kids home for a week at a time ever again.
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